Days That Have Been Left Behind
by Reiannah
Summary: Ah, once again Yuki decides to kick his lover out. Only this time, Shuichi never comes back. Will there be a 'happily ever after' for the novelist, or did he just write his own unhappy ending? YxS Rating will change to M at Ch. 8
1. The End of the Beginning

Konnichiwa minna! Here is yet another fic by the Goddess of Pocky and Ramune Soda… Reiannah! Yay! Gomen nasai for taking so long to post another fic or chapter… as I explained previously, I have been living at my job and have had no time to update.

This fic is a thank you to all of my reviewers that have stuck me through "I Only Hear What I Want To" and "Some Things Last Forever"… I love you all!

This fic is especially dedicated to the following persons:

Jenn, Lynda, Kolie, Helena, Clari-chan, Red Mizu, Guren, Greenarrow, Camille Gallano, and Virenta… arigato minna for caring about me when I got hurt. You guys are too sweet!

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami, and I'm too poor to be her.**

**Chapter I: The End of the Beginning**

He's giving me 'The Look.' The one that says he's disappointed in me.

I hate that look.

And I hated it even more when the tears begin to fall. Which followed immediately after 'The Look.'

Making him cry was like making shooting Bambi… and who with half a heart would do that?

I did. I'd shoot Bambi. And I made HIM cry almost every day.

It's not something that I took pride in. But after being with him for almost two years, it became a habit… something I didn't even notice occurred. It was just too normal.

And this time was no exception. I expected him to cry… it would've been strange if he didn't do it.

Anyway, I think he's expecting a response to whatever it was he just said. What DID he say…?

"Eh? Nani?"

"I just asked the reason why you didn't want to come with me. Yuki, don't you even care?" He's pouting now. I have to admit, he is kind of cute when he does that.

"Not particularly. Should I?"

"Demo, I'm leaving Japan in two weeks! And I won't be back for an entire year! That doesn't even matter the slightest bit to you?"

"What am I supposed to do about it? Pack my shit and just take off with you into the sunset? On a white horse no less? Get real."

"Demo, Yu-"

"It's not happening brat."

I didn't bother to look up at him anymore. Instead, I occupied my thoughts with a mix of ideas for my new novel and a craving for nicotine.

Cause I knew if I looked up, I'd have to see him cry. I could already hear him sniffling. I mostly tried to ignore it.

It wasn't good to watch him be pathetic. He had a strange effect on those who saw him crying… they either felt guilty or started crying as well.

I refuse to feel guilty. It's not my problem. I do not cry. Only weak people cry.

I keep on repeating this inside my head like my personal mantra.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see him hang his head down in defeat.

That's right, you can't win.

Heh, maybe I'm a sadist… not really sure what I get out of this. Do I really enjoy crushing his hopes and dreams?

Maybe… or maybe not.

Maybe it's my mold… I can't change.

Or can I?

I don't know… as they say, old habits die-hard.

Yes, that's it… I'm a creature of habit.

And yet… when I see those piercing violet eyes…

I look at him out of the corner of my eye.

He's crying.

Not his usual hysteria… just sad, lonely tears.

I flick my lighter to life and take a slow drag off my cancer stick. Inhaling deeply, I feel the familiar burning sensation within my lungs as the smoke enters.

He's still crying.

I look away.

"Am I just a burden to you, Yuki?" His question makes me wince inwardly.

How cruel. I'm such a bastard.

And I don't know how to answer.

I want to say, 'No, of course not. You're the most important thing in my life. You're the best part of me.'

But instead, what comes out is…

"Basically. You're such a pain. Clumsy, whiny, selfish. A brat like you just slows me down."

Oops. Did I _really_ say that to him? Damn.

I glance at him again through narrowed eyes, waiting for him to respond.

Kami-sama… I hope he doesn't take it to heart.

Too late.

His cheeks are flushed, eyes swollen, and nose red. Rising from the chair across from me, he throws me an angry glare.

"Fine. If I'm just some stupid little kid to you, I guess you don't want me around. Why don't I just leave?"

Must… control… mouth. Must… not… be… an asshole.

"Yeah, why don't you?"

Damn me and my mouth.

His glare turns into wide-eyed disbelief. After all this time together, I haven't kicked him out of the house in a while.

I'm such a bastard.

On the inside, I'm berating myself. And yet, my appearance shows no sign of regret for my harsh words.

In fact, I think there's an especially cruel smirk growing at the corners of my mouth.

Yup. It's definitely not a nice smile.

He keeps opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water.

Like he has so much to say and not enough words express it.

"Yu-Yuki… do you mean it? I-is that really all I am to you?" The words come out in a stutter.

And I can hear the pleading undertone in the question.

He wants me to assure him that what I said wasn't true. That it was just a joke. That I didn't mean any of it.

Unfortunately…

"Figure it out for yourself, baka. What- you want me to draw you a picture?"

He shuts his mouth abruptly as my words make their impact.

I think I just hit below the belt.

Fuck.

Another glance out of my narrowed eyes prove my guess to be correct.

I can see the outline of his jaw as he clenched his teeth. He gazed has dropped to the ground by now, and his small frame seems be trembling.

Is it out of anger or hurt?

I'm about to find out.

"I… see. I really must be stupid not to have figured it out long before this, ne Yuki?"

The tremors throughout his body haven't stopped. But the words he says are anything but shaky.

No. In fact, I think…

I think he really mean it.

He chuckles bitterly. The sound grates against my eardrums in a way that's a thousand times worse than any of his whining or screaming.

It sounds so harsh… so unreal.

Shuichi… he doesn't laugh like that. Not in that tone.

He doesn't know _how_ to be sarcastic.

He's the most honest and sincere person I know.

I close my eyes to clear my head for a moment. This can't be real.

And yet, the image he projects and the cruel noise from his mouth doesn't disappear after I reopen my eyes.

He's still laughing. It sounds so… _wrong_.

He turns to face me squarely, as if he's come to some major decision.

"I really am an baka, aren't I? After all, it's taken me _how_ long realize this out for myself?"

He pauses to chuckle again. I'm getting chills as I listen to him.

"But that's me… stupid Shuichi, ne Yuki? Well, you don't have to trouble yourself any longer. I know you never wanted me, and now I know you never needed me either. So I guess that makes me the fool."

My glare dissolves as I anticipate his next words. I know what he's going to say… and yet it feels like I'm frozen in slow motion, unable to react in time.

"I'm so sick of chasing you, so I guess this is the end."

By the time I can get my mind together, it's too late.

"Goodbye Yuki."

The words hit me hard. My mouth opens as I try to say something that would make him stop. Something to delay him.

_Ikanaide!_

It's what I want to say… so desperately.

But even as I try, I watch him turn his back to me and walk out of my office.

I hear the click of the door as it shut behind him, and still I am unable to neither speak nor move.

This isn't happening.

But it is… and that was the end.

TBC…

Arigato for reading my fic minna… and onegai, remember to review before you leave! The next chapter for this fic will be out very shortly… I promise! And that's a promise I can keep since I've already finished it and am just waiting for some feedback before I upload again.

My apologies to my reviewers who are waiting for STLF… I am having a major case of writer's block, thus haven't made much progress. Onegai review this anyway… I'm using this fic as a jumpstart for STLF… arigato!


	2. Only a Memory Away

I was ecstatic when I received the reviews for my first chapter… arigato minna! I can't tell you how much it meant to me to open my e-mail and find all your responses waiting for me.

As promised, here is the next chapter. I hope all of you enjoy it as much as the first one. Onegai review… it really does bring a smile to my face.

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami and I think it should be obvious by now that I AM NOT HER! WAAAHH!!**

**Chapter II: Only a Memory Away**

**>>>Five Years Later **

I still think of him.

Even when I try _not_ to think of him, I still end up doing it.

It's been so long since I last saw him.

He never did come back.

After he left, Tohma had called me. He said Bad Luck had decided to transfer to the United States division of NG Corps. It would be a permanent move.

And they haven't returned since.

I've heard though… they made it big out there. Some say they've even surpassed Nittle Grasper.

I don't know. I stopped listening to the radio. As well as stopped watching television and reading newspapers or magazines.

Anything to keep me from being reminded of _him_.

It's still hurts. Not like it did… not that earth shattering pain anymore.

No, it's only a dull ache now.

A constant reminder of what I've lost.

What I let go.

Even now, I don't let any of my regret show. I keep on moving through life, just like before.

I keep going through the motions.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

Goddamn phone. Someone's always calling. Whether it's my editor, Tohma, Mika, or Tatsuha.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

They bother me even more now that _he's_ gone. So worried… so concerned.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

I hate them all. They're the only ones that can see right through me. They know I feel the loss.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

I glare at the phone, hoping in vain that by some miracle it would stop.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

In vain is right. This caller is being particularly persistent.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

Argh…

I snatch up the phone and hit the talk button.

"Whoever this is, it'd better be good."

A familiar chuckle reaches my ears.

"Hello Eiri-kun. Nice to know you're alive."

"What do you want Tohma?"

I know I'm being rude, but he must be used to it by now. After all, he doesn't stop calling.

"Do I have to have a reason to call my favorite brother-in-law?"

"Save the bullshit for someone who cares."

"Heh, always so grumpy! Well this time, I called with some news that might interest you. Care to hear me out?"

His tone of voice changed abruptly, from teasing me to tempting me.

It must be important. He's trying to make me beg.

"If you have something to say, then spit it out. Otherwise, stop wasting my time."

Rule number one… Yuki Eiri _NEVER_ begs.

I hear him chuckle at the other end of the line.

What an asshole.

"Stubborn as ever, ne Eiri-kun? Oh well, I'll tell you anyway… since I know you want to know."

Smug bastard.

He continues, his tone changing to one of total seriousness.

"I just got off the phone with Sakano-san. You remember him?"

I grunt into the phone as I struggle briefly with the name. I know I've heard that name somewhere…

"He's Bad Luck's producer."

Recognition sparks through my brain as I finally make the association between the name and the band.

Bad Luck.

Damn. After all this time trying to forget anything to do with _him_.

"What about them?"

I hear my voice, but can barely recognize it. It's barely above a whisper, and more than that, it holds something unfamiliar to me… fear.

I reach for a cigarette to avert my attention elsewhere as I wait for his reply. That's when I first realize that my hands are shaking.

I drop the cigarette.

Even though I know my brother-in-law was unable to see my brief display of weakness, I can tell he sense my sudden weakness when he speaks.

He tone is soft… as if he's trying to gently break the news to me.

"Bad Luck has decided to return to Japan, Eiri-kun. They've achieved all they could musically possible in the United States… so now they want to do the same in Japan."

In the farthest parts of my mind, I had known what he had been preparing to tell me. But when the words had actually been spoken, it shocked me into complete silence.

None of my usual wit or sarcasm could be mustered up to respond. I felt as though my brain was devoid of any type of function.

No, instead there was only a certain image that pervaded my thoughts.

The image of Shuichi turning his back on me, never to return to my side.

And that was when I finally realized how much he had meant to me after all. How much he had become a part of my life. And how empty my life had been since his departure.

All these thoughts from the harshest critic of the idea of love.

From me.

Tohma's voice echoing inside my ear shook me from my reverie.

"Eiri-kun? Eiri-kun… are you still there?"

My mouth feels dry all of a sudden. I feel the beginning of a migraine develop behind my eyes. Trying to focus on the voice calling to me, I attempt to light my cigarette once more.

"H-hai. I'm still here."

I can hear a sigh of relief at the other end of the phone. He clears his throat and tries to converse with me once again.

"I wanted you to hear the situation directly from me, Eiri-kun."

I feel myself coming back to my senses as the first breathe of nicotine enters my system.

"Doushite? Does it really matter _who_ I hear it from?"

I'm even able to throw in a bit of my usual sarcasm this time.

He's hesitating to answer. Tohma, always one with the sharpest replies and clever comebacks was actually hesitating to answer _this_ question.

He's a smart man, my brother-in-law.

There's a reason why he's such a successful anything he tried his hand at.

He could read any person better than they could read themselves.

And this time was no exception. He knew to tread softly in response to my question.

Because it wasn't just a question. I was challenging him… daring him… to dwell on the past.

Shindou Shuichi… the highest of all taboos. None dared to speak of him, refraining from even the slightest mention of him in my presence.

It was Tohma himself who had wordlessly created the taboo.

Even though Bad Luck had quite possibly become NG Corps' greatest success story and most valuable asset, Tohma still held his 'responsibility' to 'protect' me in higher regard.

But now… now that Bad Luck was returning… it made things difficult.

For them, for Tohma, and for me.

He clears his voice again, and finally breaks the silence.

"Eiri-kun, I take full responsibility for their return. I'm the one who made it a part of their contract."

His voice shakes slightly as he makes his confession.

I inhale sharply as cigarette smoke swirls through the air. My eyes sting.

"You did… _what_?"

My attempt at nonchalance crumbles abruptly as my voice cracks.

He no longer hesitates; rather, the words seem to pour out of him all at once.

"Gomen ne, Eiri-kun! It was when the initial contract was made five years ago at their departure. I didn't want them to leave at first, but I agreed once I realized the situation between you and… you know. But as a part of their contract, I had it so that they would be force to return to Japan after five years to return here. I didn't want to release them from our label. And I thought that there was still some chance that you really _didn't_ want _him_ to go. I was being selfish… gomen nasai."

His words hit me hard.

I feel sick.

He knew all along… he knew they would return.

He planned it all along.

Shutting my eyes briefly, I force myself to gather whatever strength I have left to throw at my brother-in-law.

With deadly calm and a voice of steel laced in ice, I question him once more.

"Why didn't you bother telling me before this?"

He hesitates again.

"I wanted to be the one to tell you. I didn't want you to hear it from someone else. The information will be released to the media Thursday."

I mutter a curse under my breath. Today was Monday… that meant in three more days, everyone and their mother would know.

I ask another question, this time with more urgency.

"When will they arrive?"

A delayed pause before he answers.

"Saturday."

I curse again. Noticing my cigarette has long since burned out, I reach with shaking hands to light another. Inhaling deeply, I let a moment go by as the nicotine seeps into my system.

I finally speak again after a long silence.

"Why are you telling me anyway? Did you think it would matter to me?"

It's a futile effort to act indifferent once again. We both know this. But he also knows better than to test me at this point.

"I just wanted to let you know so you wouldn't be surprised when it happened. I didn't expect you to do anything in regards to this matter… it holds no relevance to you whatsoever."

He pauses again. I can almost hear his brain going full throttle in order to sooth me over.

"I also wanted to assure you that no member of Bad Luck has any intention of getting in contact with you. You won't be bothered by any of them. And…"

I realize I'm holding my breath as I wait for him to finish. My chest tightens in apprehension as I begin to guess what he will say.

"…I'm sure I don't have to ask you to do the same. I would prefer that no communication occur between either parties. For various reasons."

Ah, so that was the purpose of his call… to warn me off of them. Away from _him_.

I chuckle sardonically at the barely veiled threat.

"Tohma… always meddling in other people's affairs. Haven't you learned by now, dear brother? You can't bend the entire world your wishes."

"Eiri-kun… I'm only looking out for your best interest. It's better this way."

I snort in amusement at his attempt at being the protective older brother.

"Whatever Tohma… if it makes you feel any better, I have no interest in them."

"That's all I wanted to hear."

I lean back against my chair as I take another drag off my cigarette. I had much to contemplate.

"If that's all, then shouldn't you be getting home to your wife? I'm sure Mika is already pissed off at you for being at work this late."

I hear him chuckle softly before answering.

"I'm sure she probably is. Well then, I'll let you go. Oyasumi nasai, Eiri-kun."

"Yeah, ja."

I hit the 'end' button and toss the phone on the nearby couch.

I suddenly feel as though every ounce of strength has left me all at once.

TBC…

Phew… another chapter done! Yay! I'm not planning to make this anywhere as long as STLF, so I'll try to move a bit more quickly through the chapters.

I am currently working on the next chapter, but hope to have it uploaded within a few more days. I promise! Thank you again for all you reviews, and I especially love e-mails from all my reviewers as well… keep them coming!


	3. Remember to Forget Me Not

Again I want to thank my many loyal reviewers, old and new. Your feedback, comments, and encouragement inspire me everyday to continue writing.

For all those waiting for STLF to be updated, I promise to get to work on it immediately. My responsibilities at my job will slow down beginning February, and if you're on my e-mail list, I'll be sure to let you know how it's progressing.

Arigato minna! I wouldn't be doing this if you guys hadn't pushed me this far!

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami… I am not Maki Murakami… Gravitation is not mine… understood?**

**Chapter III: Remember to Forget Me Not**

**>>>Saturday **

News of Bad Luck's return seems to hound me no matter where I go.

I still don't know what I feel out the situation.

Every once in a while, I feel the dull ache become a pounding throb.

I still try to pretend I don't care.

But no matter how much I pretend, I know it's not the truth. I do care.

I want to see him… so badly.

They are arriving some time today. If I turn on the television, I can watch the reporters crowd around Narita Airport.

But I refuse to turn it on. I know _he's_ my weakness, but I won't give into this feeling… for now.

So instead I try to work.

Unfortunately, I am unable to think coherently enough to type out even a single decent sentence for my new book.

And as usual, I'm far behind my deadline. Mizuki-san is going to kill me.

Scratch that… ever since she got wind of Bad Luck's return, she's been sickeningly sweet and understanding.

Even she's got me figured.

I'm so tired of hearing everyone's shit. Mika. Tatsuha. Tohma. Mizuki. They call me everyday, asking stupid question about how I feel and how I'm doing.

They keep asking about _him_ without even mentioning his name.

Vague questions that seem to be wrapped around my past with _him_.

I hate them all. Those people who pretend to care and the questions they dare to ask.

I feel almost suffocated.

I can hardly breathe.

Oh, wait… I'm holding my breath.

Yeah, every time I think about _him_, I seem to lose my sense of simply functioning.

Thus, I feel like a blubbering idiot most of the time.

He seems to invade even my most private thoughts.

He always had that ability… and the ghosts of it still linger around me.

I hate it.

But I can't ignore, no matter how hard I try.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

Goddamn phone. Always pissing me off.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

Lately though, I've become uneasy whenever it rings.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

I should let the answering machine pick it up.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

But for some reason, I feel oddly compelled to answer it.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

Even though I know I might not want to hear the voice at the other end.

_Brrriiing. Brrriiiing._

I give in and reach for the phone.

"Yuki Eiri speaking."

I hear a sharp intake of breathe at the other end of the line, and immediately feel the muscles in my stomach clench.

"Eiri-san. It's me."

It's Ayaka. How strange, I haven't heard from her in over five years. Why would she be calling me now?

"Ayaka-san, how are you?"

I answer as politely as ever when speaking to her, but for some reason the uneasiness never wanes.

"Fine, and you?"

She's returning the courtesy as usual, but I know there is more to her call than just a friendly hello.

"Very well, arigato. May I ask the reason for your call?"

I maintain the gracious tone, but decided to cut the bullshit. I didn't have time for it.

She obviously called with intent, and I wasn't about to play dumb.

She giggles nervously before replying, and when she does, it comes out hesitantly.

"Um, well, I just wanted to call you to see how you were doing."

Hmm… very suspicious. I prod her to continue.

"And…?"

"Well, I just returned to Japan… from the states… with Hiro-kun."

It takes a couple of seconds for me to register what she just said to me.

"Ah, that would be… oh yes, your guitarist boyfriend, ne?"

She hesitates again.

"Um, well, he's not my… uh, boyfriend… anymore."

I raise a single eyebrow at this revelation.

"Really?"

"H-hai… he's my… husband now."

Both my eyebrows are raised now. Surprise, surprise… what a shocker. Considering how shy they were around each other the last time I recalled seeing them together… barely holding hands and all.

"Is that so? My congratulations to you… Nakano-san."

She giggles again, this time with a bit more ease. I wonder if she was scared to tell me… as if I really cared one way or another.

"Arigato Eiri-san. It sounds as if you're doing well."

I hold myself back from laughing at her.

"Hai. I'm fine."

"That's good to hear. Um, well you know that Bad Luck has officially returned to Japan…?"

My grip tightens around the phone at the mention of the music group. After a moment of silence in which I regain my composure, I respond as indifferently as possible.

"So I've heard. Is that your true intention of calling me? To remind me of their return?"

A sharp intake of breath can be heard as I can imagine her struggling to answer. She knows me well enough to be able to tell when I've seen through a farce.

"H-hai. Gomen ne, Eiri-san… it's just that…"

She pauses as if unsure how to continue without angering me. I remain unresponsive.

She started this, now she can finish it.

"Bad Luck… they're doing very well now."

I grunt as I wait for her to get to her point.

"They're music… it's so beautiful… and passionate… but it's also very… sad."

My fist clenches at the last word. I don't know why, but her final description seemed to like a verbal bullet I hadn't been ready to dodge.

I feel sick again.

But I won't let her know that.

"Is that so?"

"Hai. Shindou-san's lyrics have improved drastically throughout the years. When he sings, everyone can feel what he feels. And in the past two years, in every single album released, there is always a single song filled with sadness. It's always the final song on each record."

Now I'm curious… just a little. She seems to be hinting at something… and I have an idea what it might be. But she's smart enough not to be too direct about it.

"Well, that's all I wanted to say. Oh, and one more thing… Bad Luck will be performing at Perushana next Friday for their welcome home concert. If you should decide that you wish to see them, let me know and I'll be happy to get you some complimentary tickets."

I chuckle sardonically at the change of mood.

"Arigato Ayaka-san. I'll keep that in mind."

"Well, I have to go, but I hope to speak to you again. Sayonara!"

"Mn. Ja."

I end the call with a push of a button and lean back against my chair.

This phone call seems to have drained me more than I thought it would.

And now, I have a new mission…

Purchase every album recorded by Bad Luck and listen to their final song on each one.

Just out of curiosity….

That's what I think to myself.

That's my excuse.

TBC…

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter as much as the last… onegai let me know via reviews and e-mails! I look forward to hearing from all of you!


	4. Though My Voice Can't Reach You

Welcome back to chapter four of Day That Have Been Left Behind!! Arigato once again to my reviewers… special thanks to the ones that review even when their computer doesn't want them to- you know who you are!

Now inventory is over at my job, I have a few less hours at work. This means a few more for writing. Yup, that means I'm going to be trying my best to catch up with STLF, continue to update this fic as usual, and also try to upload another new fic for Gravitation.

I hope that all my reviewers continue to do so, not just for this fic, but for STLF and any others I have written. Your support means a lot… and it's a priceless form of motivation for me. ARIGATO MINNA!!

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami. The first four songs are 'Tears,' 'Say Anything,' 'Silent Jealousy,' and 'Unfinished' - in that succession, all by X-Japan. The fifth song is 'Hikari no Naka e' by Ma'aya Sakamoto. All songs belong to their singers and recording companies.**

**Chapter VI: Though My Voice Can't Reach You**

>>>**Tuesday**

I purchased the CDs the day after my conversation with Ayaka-san. They were harder to find than I figured… it seems Bad Luck's return made a greater impact than expected.

"_If you could have taught me anything,"_

I had to stop at seventeen different stores in order to collect all five of their imported albums.

"_You would have taught me what love is."_

I think I spent around an average of 7,000 yen per CD, totaling over 35,000 yen for all five.

_"If you could have taught me what was on your mind,"_

I was slightly pissed off at the inflated pricing.

"_I could have shown you the way."_

I have half a mind to call up Tohma and demand my money back.

_"Someday… I will be before you,"_

But the smarter part of me knows I can't do that.

_"Have you ever thought about that time?"_

Because that would mean I have to admit exactly what it was that I purchased.

"_I never imagined the pictures of that night."_

Best-case scenario would be if Tohma laughing at me with his phony politeness and pointing out that he would have given me the CDs for free.

_"For now I will try to live for you,"_

Worst-case scenario would be if Tohma got into one of his over-protective moods and spaz out on me for taking an interest in Bad Luck.

_"And for…"_

Either way, the devil would ice-skate before I admitted what I purchased.

_"I will try to live,"_

Anyway, I have had the five albums in my possession for the past three days now.

_"Try to live the love, the dreams,"_

And I am entranced.

"_And finally, the tears."_

Sure, I've only listened to the last song on each CD, but just that is enough.

Or too much.

Ayaka-san was right… they are sad songs.

The sound system clicks to the second CD automatically and spins to the last song on the second album.

_"Time may change my life,"_

More than anything, I hate the tone of the songs…

"_But my heart remains the same to you."_

The feeling of infinite sadness…

_"Time may change your heart,"_

And…

"_My love for you never changes."_

Longing.

Click. Spin.

"_I just wanted to stay with you."_

Yes, that's the word I was looking for: longing.

"_I just wanted to feel your breath of grace."_

I don't think I hate the tone, but it does bother me… a little.

_"I didn't know what to do,"_

A lot. It's bothers me a lot.

_"I couldn't say anything."_

I'm not sure why… exactly…

_"When consciousness returned,"_

It makes feel something…

"_Everything had been washed away,"_

Like regret…

"_By the tide of time, even you."_

Or maybe its just indigestion.

"_But the scars of memory never fade away."_

I opt for the indigestion.

"_I can't stop loving you."_

I hate these songs.

"_Stop my tears."_

I hate every word of them.

"_Stop my loving."_

I hate the story they tell.

"_Kill my memories."_

Pause. Click. Spin.

The sound system clicks to the fourth album and the opening tunes begin to play.

_"Wipe your tears from your eyes."_

The beautiful melodies and haunting lyrics agitate me rather than soothe me.

"_Just leave and forget me."_

It's almost as if…

"_No need to be hurt anymore."_

As if these songs…

_"Go away from me now."_

They were written for someone.

_"I don't know… what is love?"_

Like they were written…

_"No need to be hurt anymore."_

With someone in mind.

_"You said, 'I miss you so much, every night thinking of you and facing loneliness'"_

Like they were written…

_"But when you feel sadness,"_

For me.

_"Never can I stay with you."_

As conceited and selfish as it might sound to an outsider, deep in my heart I knew it to be the truth.

_"I'm not the one you need."_

_He_ wrote these songs… for _me_.

_"Close your eyes and forget me."_

Even more than that… _he_ wrote these songs _about_ me.

"_There's nothing I can do anymore."_

About… _us_.

"_I lost my way."_

It's taken me all of these past three days to realize this. And only just now have I acknowledged it.

Once again the CD clicks to the next album. Their final album in the United States.

This one hurts me more than any of the others.

_"If I let go of your hand clasped in mine,"_

And now that he's back… here… so close…

"_With that, it would all probably come to an end right now."_

I want to see him again.

_"What I wanted to know, and even what hurts me,"_

I want to tell him… the words… I could never say before.

"_Even those were left undone."_

But I don't know if I can.

"_Even though I should want to wish"_

I don't know… if I can see him again…

_"For you to find happiness,"_

I don't know if I can do it…

"_I can't, I'm too immature."_

Do it without… hurting him…

"_I wipe the tears, but they still keep flowing."_

And without getting hurt by him.

"_Sayonara."_

These songs might've been for me… they still might be…

"_I love you"_

But things change. People change. And feelings change.

"_More than anyone else."_

I don't know how he feels about me anymore.

"_Even more deeply than the sky."_

I'm having trouble understanding how I feel too.

"_Don't cry."_

I'm so confused… so torn…

_"We'll meet again, right?"_

I feel lost.

_"But not being able to see you"_

I want to see him.

"_Is something that only I know about."_

But somehow, I don't think that is something that can happen as easily as it can be wished.

_"This fate that we've chosen…"_

If it's even possible for it to happen at all.

"_Someday you too will understand its true meaning."_

Damn… I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm thinking of whether or not I can deal with seeing him, and I don't know if it's even a possibility.

_"The treasure of memories that we've made"_

Kami-sama… now I feel like an idiot. What are the chances that it _is_ going to happen?

"_Will always live on deep inside my heart."_

Slim to none. Close enough to zero. Almost nonexistent.

_"I thought it was a beautiful thing,"_

Damn. Now I want to see him even more.

"_The word called hope."_

If only I had just a chance. Not even to talk to him… just to see him again.

_"In an almost painful embrace,"_

Hell, I don't even know what he looks like now.

"_I'm looking up at you."_

None of his import CDs has any photos of either him or his band mates.

"_Arigatou."_

And I haven't turned on the TV in over a week.

_"I love you"_

I'm guessing he hasn't changed much… probably the same bubblegum colored hair, mischievous violet eyes, and contagious cheerful laughter. I can't imagine him any other way.

"_More than anyone else."_

But even if he hasn't changed in appearance… even if he looks the same as he did when he left…

"_Even more strongly than dreams."_

Would he still be able to smile at me the same? To look at me the same?

"_Hold me."_

To love me as he did before?

"_Don't let go."_

Though I wish it were possible… that there might be a chance of that happening…

_"But don't utter"_

I know there isn't any hope of that every coming true.

_"Even a single thing…"_

But I want to know for sure. To see for myself. With my own eyes.

"_Don't cry."_

As I reach for a cigarette while entertaining this thought, my hand accidentally hits the phone off its stand, waking me from my reverie.

"_I love you."_

The phone. The phone call. Ayaka. Concert. Perushana. Friday.

_"Even though we're separated far apart,"_

How could I have forgotten? Bad Luck's welcome home concert would be on Friday at Perushana.

"_I can still live with you."_

As their final song ended on my sound system, the corner of my mouth tugged upward just the slightest bit.

Now I knew I could have my chance. Even if it was just an opportunity to view him from a distance.

My heart began to beat faster in anticipation.

Hai. Just this chance was enough. After all, it might be as close as I can get…

To him.

TBC…

Whoa! I can't believe that I'm writing more than three chapters for this fic. I'm trying to wrap it up, but there's so much more to tell in this story! Please let me know what you think of this so far! Review minna! Arigato, na no da!!


	5. The Sound of My Heart Breaking

Gomen, gomen, gomen! I apologize from the bottom of my heart for taking so long to update this fic! I know none of my excuses really matter, but I've honestly had no time at all to work on my extended chapter fics. I've been washed out and the best I could manage were one-shots and mine-series fic. But here is the new chapter and I update with infinite apologies! Onegai, don't be mad at me minna!

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami whom I am unfortunately not. The first song is "INFINITY" by W-inds. Extra special thanks to Cecil for the translations!**

**Chapter V: The Sound of My Heart Breaking**

**Thursday **

Just yesterday, I purchase a single ticket to Bad Luck's welcome home concert.

Hai, I purchased it.

A back row ticket, far from the stage.

I actually had to beg the lady behind the ticket booth to sell me the last ticket available… she had originally planned to purchase it for herself. In short, I paid three times the price a VIP ticket would've cost.

But it was worth it.

Why did I purchase it? Simple- if I had actually asked Ayaka-san to _give_ me a ticket, than it would have made my interest in Bad Luck quite obvious.

And though I've already developed a slight obsession with them, I'd rather drop dead than admit it to anyone else… especially to someone so close to the source of my interest.

As well as someone close to my brother-in-law.

No, the last thing I need is for Tohma to find out. That'd be pure hell on earth. And right now I just don't have the patience to deal with his issues about my involvement.

Besides, it would make it a whole lot more complex than it needed to be, ne?

So here I am, the day before the concert, and nothing to wear to it.

Kami-sama… I sound like such a moron.

Like a total fan-boy.

Kill me now.

No, wait… don't. Do it after the concert.

Ever since I decided to go to the concert, I could feel myself acting more and more neurotic.

I think I should talk to my doctor about raising the level of medication he's giving me.

Whatever. Focus Eiri.

What should I wear? Not that it really matters. Who's going to recognize me anyway?

For some reason in my mind, I feel like Shuichi might.

But he won't. It's impossible. You can barely see the people in the back row from the stage; much less recognize anyone in particular.

I feel the dull ache becoming stronger suddenly. Maybe because I'm remembering things.

Like how he used to be able to detect my presence from the stage and single me out, no matter _where_ I was.

And the way he used to look at me, so shocked that I had made an appearance.

I miss that. In the deepest part of my heart, I miss the look he used to give me.

The shock in his deep violet eyes, the way his jaw sagged just the slightest bit in surprise, and how his body would freeze in mid-motion.

I miss how he would react to me.

I want to see it happen again. I want him to look at me like he used to.

But at the same time, I hope he never sees me at all.

Because I'm scared.

Hai. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what I'll see in those eyes of his.

Because I know his reaction won't be the same as it used to be.

What would I see in those eyes now?

Hate? Anger? Hurt? Sadness?

Or even worse… indifference?

Perhaps he could care less whether or not he sees me. Maybe it doesn't matter to him the slightest bit.

Kami-sama… what would I do then?

I know what I would do… I'd walk away and close another chapter of my life. I'd pretend that it didn't matter to me either.

But that's all it'd be… pretend.

Because in reality, it would hurt me worse than any words of hate or anger.

I'd rather he hate me than forget that I even mattered to him at all.

Kami-sama, Eiri! Focus dammit!

What to wear?

I'm such a retard.

I'll ridicule myself later.

After the concert.

Now back to my original dilemma…

What should I wear?

**Friday **

Ayaka-san called last night, inquiring once again if I desired a ticket to Bad Luck's welcome home concert.

I had to struggle in order not to laugh at her… instead I just said no as indifferently as possible.

She sounded disappointed and that ended our conversation.

I started laughing as soon as I hung up.

So here I am, all dressed and ready to go to the concert… three hours early.

The concert begins at nine o'clock. It's only five forty-eight.

If anyone else knew what I was doing, I think I'd die of embarrassment.

**Three Hours Later **

Kami-sama… here I am in the last row of the Perushana music house, waiting for Bad Luck's reintroduction into Japan… and I'm desperately craving a cigarette.

Of course the house rules are no smoking inside the building.

I'm so close to the exit… so close to the doorway that separates me from my nicotine addiction… and yet so far away. I can't leave. If I leave, I can't get back in.

Because that is the new guidelines set by the owner, due to the fact it was THE Bad Luck that was playing once again at his establishment. Once you're in, you're in for good. Once you leave, there's no coming back in. No exception… period.

So it turned out every ticket in the house was a one-way ticket.

And there was no way in hell I was going to give up my seat. I hadn't come all the way here for nothing.

I must not give in to the craving…

The concert is due to begin at any moment now.

I'm incognito- well, as incognito as my pride will allow me. I'm wearing all my usual attire. I guess I'm calling my sunglasses my disguise. Oops, I guess that doesn't really work out since I'm always seen in these same Gucci glasses for the past eight years.

Dammit. Fuck it, I just going to have to keep my guard up. But I'm not all that worried about being recognized… after all, nobody here is _looking_ for me… they're not my fans… they're here to see…

The entire building is plunged into complete darkness. For a minute, I begin to panic and am about to remove my shades to have a better look around. I don't know why, but the first thing that came to my mind was that for some reason, someone was trying to sabotage the concert.

A single light appears on center stage. I feel dumb as hell… of course; the blackout was merely a part of the show. I narrow my eyes, trying to make out any familiar faces on stage.

To my surprise, the light is shining on absolutely nothing. It just turned on. Another light appears, this time to the right of the stage. Nobody there either. A third light is turned on and again no one is on stage.

As I skim the stage for any sign of movement, I notice there is nothing there at all. No people, no equipment, no props. I frown slightly.

What the hell is going on?

The crowd is growing restless as they wait for their idols to appear. A few are screaming the band's name while others are demanding that individual band members come out. The noise is giving me the beginning of a migraine.

Suddenly, the total darkness returns and nothing is visible once more. The crowd quiets down, awaiting their idols.

Then the music begins… intricate keyboarding is played while a light guitar piece is harmonized with it. Two spotlights appear simultaneously- the left and the right ones. On the left is Bad Luck's keyboardist under a blue light while on the right is their guitarist under a red one.

The fans begin screaming again and the mass seemed to surge forward towards the stage. Fujisaki-san grins at the crowd and nods slightly in acknowledgement. Nakano-san throws a dazzling smile at them and winks into the hovering camera.

A fan girl faints near the stage. I see a bra and two pairs of panties fly toward the stage. Flowers are thrown everywhere and huge signs of adoration are lifted high into the air.

The entire stage becomes completely silent but the lights remain.

And then…

A third light appears atop the center. There is no one there, but I watch carefully for the appearance… for _his_ appearance.

Then the crowd is filled with screams of delight. I squint for a closer look, but still see nothing in the spotlight.

Then I see it… I see _him_.

From the ceiling, some type of rope descends slowly right in the center of the spotlight.

Clinging to it was… Shuichi.

The rope reaches the floor and he drops off. The audience cheers and the music begins again.

The sight of him shocks my senses. He looks different… and yet the same.

His hair is lighter- instead of the shocking neon pink it's now a strawberry-blond. He's taller and his frame seems to have filled out. He's not as lanky as before. Though not built, he seems to have developed more muscles while abroad.

He looks like the most beautiful man in the world. Slender and yet definitely male. Not girly at all in appearance as he used to be.

I realize I'm holding my breath as I watch him. I breathe in slowly, taking in his new form.

He flashes a brilliant smile at his fans before grabbing the microphone and waving.

"Konnichiwa Japan! Minna genki?"

The crowd roared in response, frantically waving their arms.

"Wow! Arigato minna for coming out to see us! It's great to be back home after five long years away!"

More cheering.

"Alright! Let's get this party started, ne minna?"

Blinding lights flashed across the stage rapidly as the music changed into the beginning of the first song. I blink my eyes rapidly so that they would adjust to the sporadic bursts of light.

I squint at the highlighted figure dancing in center stage and time seems to stand still for me.

I don't even hear his song… it just can't seem to reach me. Nothing can. I mesmerized by the mere sight of him.

To think, the boy whose lyrics I once scorned had returned to captivate me like this… preposterous.

This goes on for another ten minutes. I shake myself out of my stupor only to realize two and a half songs have already past me by. I attempt to focus myself in order to hear the words he is singing.

Under a crimson spotlight, his hair gives off an eerie glow, turning to the color of fire.

_"**I want a completed love**_

**_And the lost pure heart_**

**_It was given to me when I was petrified and lost."_**

My breath catches in my throat as I listen to his words. Why does it seem to me that every single song I've heard him sing tells _our_ story?

_**"I love you by far more than anyone else** _

**_But memory laughs at me_**

**_I'm always pretending to be calm."_**

I clench my jaw until my teeth ache from the pressure. For a fraction of a second, I let myself feel things I had pushed far from my heart.

_"**For 'the one person only' without knowing it**_

**_I will surpass the limit that has been built up."_**

Sadness, hurt, longing… images of my past with him flash before my eyes. The glaring lights spun at a dizzying speed, only heightening the thoughts that plague me.

_**"I got hurt, though that is the only part that makes me lose my nerve **_

_**But love- its form, its number, and its meaning are infinite**_

_**Though the number of joy and sorrow are equally divided**_

_**When I'm with you, it seems like I've reached my destination… ahead is love."**_

Though I know he can't see me through the enormous crowd laid out before him, he sings for me still. Smiling sadly with face upturned to the sky, the last notes echo to the far corners of the building.

Even from my distance, I could clearly see the anguish in his eyes. My heart continued to beats so quickly that I take in smaller and more frequent breaths.

The room seems to spin around me. The blinding lights, the heavy vibration of bass, and the swarms of heated bodies… they overwhelm me. They seem to assault my senses from every direction.

I turned suddenly, and push through the masses. I catch several insults directed at me from a group of teens that I had jostled, but don't even bother to glance their way.

I had to get out of here. I shouldn't have come here at all.

I reach the exit within a few minutes. Pushing the door open, I pause to catch my bearings before leaving the building.

It was unfortunate that at that moment, someone happened to notice my presence. I felt a hand grip my arm firmly, making movement or escape even more difficult.

TBC…

Did you enjoy this chappie? I hope so! Onegai review to let me know and I'll be sure to update very soon… if you review!


	6. This is Not Where I Belong

Welcome back minna! I know- this update didn't take as long! That's because this is basically the second half of chapter five. I hope you enjoy! And please be sure to review! Arigato!

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami. I am Reiannah. Reiannah does not equal Maki Murakami.  
**

**Chapter VI: This is Not Where I Belong  
**

At the stranger's touch, I freeze. And at his voice, I lost my cool composure.

"Yuki-san?"

I turned to face whomever it was that had recognized me, only to realize that my anonymity was lost completely. I shouldn't have turned around at all. I should have just ducked the door as fast as possible.

For the one who had delayed me was none other than Bad Luck's manager… K-san.

And even worse, behind him was my sister. And behind her, Tohma.

They had all seen me, and nothing I could say would sway them to believe anything other than that I still cared about _him_… about Shuichi.

Stunned, I made a halfhearted attempt at pulling my arm away from the tall American, and surprisingly, he let released me without a word of protest.

I stumbled back, my shoulder hitting the door painfully when I pulled my arm away. I guess I expected more of a fight from Bad Luck's manager.

I glower at my exclusive crowd, daring them to say anything. They remained silent, though I noticed Mika pursing her lips together as if she really wanted to speak.

The staring contest continued for a few moments longer. Satisfied that the confrontation would be left to a minimum, I turned my back to them and pushed open the door. I staggered again, and I felt another hand grip my arm to help me maintain my balance.

I turn to see Tohma gazing at me with pensive chocolate eyes.

"Eiri-kun, are you alright?"

"I'm _fine._ Let me _go_."

I knew he didn't deserve me snapping at so rudely, but I couldn't help myself. The turmoil inside my head and the continuous flow of activity around me had overloaded my senses.

He releases his hold on me, but instead of making my escape out the exit, I merely stand there. Because I knew if I turned around to walk away from them, they would only delay me again.

"Eiri, what are you doing here?"

This came from Mika, of course. It didn't take a genius to figure out the reason I came to this particular concert, and my sister is no idiot. She usually refrains from asking me stupid questions, but this must be a special occasion.

I glare at her disdainfully, making sure that my contempt of her was apparent.

"You get three guesses aneki. No, only two- it's not very hard to figure out. Now if you'll excuse me…"

I cut off the middle of my sentence as I notice the other crowd that was surrounding our group. It so happened that many of my own fans were in attendance at Bad Luck's concert, and had begun to take notice of my presence.

It wasn't too apparent at first, but now it had turned to full-fledged screaming of my name. The crowd was gathering rapidly, and it only seemed to be growing larger and spreading faster.

"Is that Yuki Eiri?"

"Oh my god! Yeah it is! Yuki-sama! Can I have your autograph?"

"Why are you here Yuki-sama?"

"Don't you know? He and Shindou-sama have a _thing_ together!"

"What? I never heard about that!"

"Yeah! That was years ago though!"

"Whoa! Someone tell Shindou-sama yet?"

The fans were getting out of control, and word of my appearance was beyond refutation. Even K-san couldn't clear away the hoard, and then Tohma stepped forward to take control.

"K-san, escort my brother out of here."

Unfortunately, that was impossible. The crowd had pushed us further into the building rather that towards the exit.

Tohma quickly gestured for us to follow him, and we were able to make it to side corridor, which led to the backstage. From there, I'd have to slip out the backstage exit.

I arrived in Bad Luck's private lounge in a blur, not really remembering how I was able to get there. Mika pushed down on my shoulders, silently commanding me to take a seat. I complied without any resistance… I was too drained to make any protest.

Inside the lounge, a wide screen TV was set up in the center of the room. It was focused on Shuichi as he was singing at the moment… it must be connected to a stage camera.

I squint my eyes to try and regain my focus, but to no avail. I don't know why, but my body seemed disconnected from my mind.

A flurry of motion surrounded me. I could only catch small pieces of the conversation around me.

"…Hear the commotion?"

"…Think so… stage crew told him."

I blocked out the rest. I knew that _he_ had been told I was here. I sat mutely on the leather couch, closing myself off to the activity that lingered.

The TV was dark. No lights were on the stage and only the cheering of the crowd could be heard. I notice someone approach my side and glanced up to see my sister standing beside me, arms crossed and face solemn.

"Eiri… Ayaka said you weren't coming."

I narrow my eyes slightly, then sneer up at her.

"I wasn't going to."

She frowns.

"So what changed your mind? Why did you come?"

I shrug half-heartedly.

"Does it matter?"

Mika glowers at me. After a brief pause, she sighs and throws her hand in the air.

"Yes it _does_ matter, Eiri! Why are you here?"

I don't bother to answer. Behind her, I see my brother-in-law approach. He had been watching our confrontations while discussing something with K-san.

"Eiri-kun, did you come to see Shindou-san?"

I drop my gaze to the floor and again do not answer. I couldn't find the words to explain… anything… to anyone. I didn't understand it myself… why _did_ I come here? What did I expect out of this?

"Eiri…"

Mika hesitated before continuing.

"If you came here to watch Shuichi from a distance… then fine. But if you intendto make contact with him… then you should leave."

The command shocked me. I look up at her to see her eyes blazing. She ignores my anger and resumes without a hitch.

"He doesn't need you anymore. He's finding his way without you. And if you try to meet with him… it'll only end badly."

I become aware now that my jaw had been hanging open during her entire speech. Knowing how ridiculous I appeared, I snapped it shut and threw her my nastiest glare.

I was still reeling from the shock of seeing _him_, and now yet another surprise… my own sister was more concerned over protecting _him_ rather than protecting _me_.

Mika narrowed her eyes upon receiving my glare. I could see that she was thinking hard on what to say next… she was biting the inside of her cheek. She finally opened her mouth to speak again, but Tohma beat her to it.

"Eiri-kun, it's obvious that you don't know what your own intentions are. And that's risky- for everyone. If you don't know why you came, then…"

My eyes widened as he spoke. I couldn't believe my ears. Tohma… my over-protective brother-in-law… was actually not putting me first.

"… It would be best for everyone if we just pretend you were never here."

I was stunned into silence.

Maybe I'd been spoiled throughout the years… knowing that in his eyes, I could do no wrong and get away with murder- literally.

And for that assurance to be taken away…

Something was wrong here. This didn't make sense at all. There was a major piece of the puzzle that was missing.

I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. My heartbeat quickened as I tried to understand why my own family was no longer on my side.

Tohma moved closer to me, erasing the distance between us in an instant. He knelt down at my side and cupped my face between his hands, as one would do to a child.

I just stared at him blankly. I ran out of words to say.

He smiled at me, the smile he only showed me.

The one that said, 'You-poor-child-I-feel-so-bad-for-you-let-me-just-bundle-you-up-and-take-you-away-from-here-so-you-don't-hurt-anymore.'

Yes, _that_ smile.

At that moment, I hated Tohma more than anything else in the entire world. I hated his all-knowing smile, the pity in his eyes, and the careful touch of his fingers against my skin.

I hated him. I hated him for pretending to know what was best, not only for me, but for single person in the whole damn world.

And above all, I hated him for being right about knowing what was best for everyone.

I finally find the strength to break away from his gaze. Averting my eyes to the floor, I slap his hand away as contemptuously as I could.

For someone who was currently in a mild state of shock, I think I pulled it off pretty well. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Mika shake her head in frustration while Tohma withdrew his hand and stared at it as if it had betrayed him.

The silence in the room was on punctuated by the muffled noise outside the lounge.

"Eiri-"

Before Mika could even complete a sentence, Tohma cut her off again. This time, there was no trace of pity or sympathy in his voice. Instead, it held the same tone as he would use on his underlings. It was cold, clipped, and emotionless.

"Eiri-kun, you shouldn't have come here without knowing what your intentions were in the first place. There is much more to this situation than you realize, and unfortunately, it would be best for you to remain in the dark. I assumed that you would take my hint and stay away from Shindou-san, but as this is not the case, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

I jerked my face up to meet his eyes. They were unreadable

"Why protect him _now_, dear brother? As I recall, you didn't give a _shit_ about him before."

It was Tohma's turn to be shocked. The words I spat at him seemed to shake him to the very core. He stepped away from me, bumping into Mika who hovered behind him. She too looked surprised. She held her hands over her mouth; as if my question had taken her breathe away.

Before my question could be answered, a banging at the door interrupted us. Not waiting for anyone to answer, the door flew open and the person causing all the noise entered.

My eyes widened as I recognized the figure. He looked the same, and yet at the same time, he looked far different.

It was Hiro-kun. _His_ best friend. And at the moment, the longhaired brunette had a panicked expression across his face as his eyes sought out the one whom he'd been looking for.

He acknowledged me with a glare before turning to Tohma.

"Seguchi-san! It's Shuichi! He's had an attack!"

Tohma seemed to have expected this, and marched forward and out the door without another word. Mika followed her husband, but not before shooting daggers out of her eyes at me.

And there I was, alone in the room with the breathless guitarist. He leaned against the frame of the door, watching me through the narrowed slits of her eyes.

Anxiety over the abrupt announcement warred inside me against my own pride. I wanted to know what the hell had happened, but would Hiro-kun even tell me?

The anxiety won.

"W-what happened? To… Shuichi?"

His face darkened as I said my former lover's name. His mouth twisting into a sneer, he let out a sardonic chuckle.

"Why should _you_ care, _Yuki-san_?"

His response seemed to dig nails through my heart. But I refused to show it, and only repeated my question.

Hiro-kun frowned at me in derision for a moment, before he finally answered.

"Shuichi isn't well. He shouldn't have performed tonight."

I let his reply sink into my brain slowly. The guitarist still hadn't told me the entire truth, and I knew it. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.

"You shouldn't be here, Yuki-san. You're the last thing he needs right now. I know the others believed you might have been able to help him, but I'm not one to place a lot of faith in you. You haven't changed. Shuichi has. And it's time that you just let him go."

My mind was whirling at his accusation. What the hell? I knew Hiro-kun had never liked me, but why so much hostility? And what were these hints about Shuichi? I snapped my mouth closed shut so hard; I could hear my teeth click. I clench my jaw as I try to maintain my calm.

"What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About."

He just looked at me with a raised eyebrow. Maybe I'm a bit slow, but I had no idea why Shuichi needed to be protected so badly. I had a gut feeling from the very beginning that something was wrong with him, but no one seemed to be telling. And at this point, I was pretty damn tired of the guessing game.

I wanted some answers. Unfortunately, Hiro-kun didn't look like he was going to enlighten me. All I got from him was a cold stare. I'm a patient man, but by now my patience has run out.

I stood up and in only a few wide strides I was in his face. I gripped his shirt collar with both hands and held him even closer. Baring my teeth in a menacing grin, I didn't bother veiling my threat this time.

"Tell me what the _hell_ is going on with Shuichi."

**TBC…**

Hehehe… anyone who's been reading my fics for a long time know that I'm the Queen of Cliffhangers… teehee! Yeah, it's my evil streak breaking out again… gomen… eh, not really… hehehe…

Anywho, onegai be sure to review minna! I guess I've lost a lot of readers due to my late updates, so I feel a bit down. Reviews comfort me, na no da! Then again, Pocky and Ramune soda have the same soothing affect…


	7. Safer in the Dark

My deepest apologies to everyone who has been waiting for me to update this story or STLF. It has been a crazy, exhausting, beautiful, and heartbreaking five years since I last posted on . To those who were with me five years ago… thank you for waiting. To any new reviewers… welcome to my literary art. My writing style may have changed over the years… so forgive any lapses and I will try to get myself together. Thank you reviewers for inspiring me to get back on my literary horse! –xoxo Rei

**Disclaimer: Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami, however, this original fan fiction is the creative property of Reiannah.**

**Chapter VII:**** Safer in the Dark**

Hiro-_kun_ never liked me.

I knew that. I wasn't stupid. And to be honest, that feeling was mutual.

He was the best friend and confidant of my former lover. The one that Shuichi ran to when I turned him away. The one who listened to Shuichi's fears and doubts, held him while he cried, praised him when he excelled.

The one who did all the things for Shuichi that I never cared enough to do myself.

It was for all those reasons I hated Hiroshi.

In all reality, he was probably a decent guy. I mean, he had to be, otherwise why else would he have stuck with Shuichi as long as he had?

I guess it was just jealousy that made me loathe Shuichi's best friend.

Plus, that all-knowing smirk of his pissed me off every time I saw it. Like he could see right through me. As if he knew who or what I really was on the inside.

So I avoided him most of the time. Or at least as much as I possibly could without being obvious.

But at this moment, he was the only one I had access to that had the information I needed.

Information about Shuichi.

"What the _hell _is going on?"

Hiroshi narrowed his eyes at me. He clenched his jaws.

I shook him. Hard.

Then in a move so fast that it surprised me, he shoved me hard enough to push me back and make me stumble for balance.

"Listen… _Yuki-san_…" He spat the name out as though it was some vile poison. "You obviously didn't care all that much about his welfare five years ago. Don't you think it's a little too late to start caring _now_? What makes you think you have the _right_ to be asking about Shuichi?"

I glared at him. He was right of course. I had no right to even be there. But that wasn't the point.

What…

So…

What _was_ the point?

I shook my head slowly. It doesn't matter. I had to be here. I had to know.

"I have to know. Tell me..." I hesitated before adding one final word to my request. "… onegai."

Hiroshi looked at me for a moment. I don't know what he saw, but he seemed to change his mind. He lowered his eyes.

"Shuichi is… Shu is… he's sick. Very sick."

I froze. The world froze. Time stopped.

I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. This wasn't right. Shuichi was sick. And from the reaction of everyone who cared about him, it wasn't something so simple like a cold, overexertion, or ever something moderately serious like a broken bone or pneumonia.

No. This was _bad_.

"H-how bad is it? W-what is it?" I could hardly form the words and barely breathed them out above a whisper.

"It's… he's… he's messed up. Physically. And mentally. He's changed. He isn't the same Shuichi you knew." Hiroshi raised his eyes to meet mine. Something flashed in them for just a split second. Something that was a mixture of pain and desperation. Then it was gone, and there was only a cold accusation.

An accusation meant for me.

"It's your fault you know. You did this to him. He wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you."

I stared at him. I didn't understand.

"Did… what?"

Hiroshi closed his eyes and leaned against the wall. It seemed like an eternity before his reply came.

"Shuichi… he's hurting himself. Physically. And he's suffering… mentally. The doctors… they told us he's… barely hanging on. And now it's to the point that he's suffering from panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. He's a mess."

I took a step toward the guitarist with my hands clenched at my sides. For the first time in many years, I was scared.

"How? How is he… hurting himself? How is he suffering mentally?"

Hiroshi's shoulders slumped forward, as if a huge weight burdened them. His head hung with his hair falling in messy strands around his face. The voice that answered sounded hollow.

"He's cutting himself. He's gotten into some hardcore drinking, and some bad drugs. He's tried to commit suicide twice in the past five years. He's suffering from major depressive disorder and anxiety. Half the time he's punishing himself, and the other half he's trying to escape reality."

I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being pulled further and further under water with each description that fell from Hiroshi's lips. I covered my face with my hands and turned my back to him. I couldn't look at him anymore. And I was sure he couldn't stand the sight of me either. I had thought I knew why had hated me so much. But now I realized that I deserved far worse that the angry and hateful glares from everyone who cared about Shuichi.

I struggled to catch my breath. Then I struggled to regain my composure. Without turning, I asked one last question.

"Will he… be okay?"

I heard Hiroshi sigh heavily behind me.

"We… don't know. We brought him back to Japan so he could be near his _family_ and _friends_." The emphasis on 'family' and 'friends' clearly drove the unspoken message to me that Shuichi hadn't been brought here to see _me_. "Tohma has arranged several appointments for Shu with some specialists. He needs help. And he _doesn't_ need any more stress in his life."

Translation: Stay the hell out of Shuichi's life because you're just going to make him worse.

Okay, I could take a hint. Even though I wanted to barrel past this asshole and any other person standing between me and Shuichi just to see his face… I got the message. And I knew Hiroshi was right. I wasn't wanted or needed here. In fact, I was the cause of all these problems; not the solution to them. I was in the way.

Without another word, I stuffed my hands into my coat and marched out of the room like a good little soldier. I kept walking down the halls, past the doors, and through the crowds. I ignored the stares of the people I passed and shut my ears to the murmurs around me.

And all the while, my chest seemed to squeeze my lungs to the point of impairing breathing.

I didn't stop until I reached my BMW, stepped inside, and turned on the engine.

Then I released all of my suppressed emotions with a stomp of the gas pedal.

The tires squealed as I raced as fast as I could from the only person I ever truly ever loved.

And whom I had damaged irreparably.

**Yuki's Apartment:**

It's late by the time I get home.

I enter my familiar apartment, slam the door shut, and snap the deadbolt in place.

I survey my living room with narrowed eyes.

It was the typical home of a bachelor. Bare walls, simple furniture, and sparse décor. Not even curtains to shroud the window. No flowers in a vase on the coffee table. No pictures of family and loved ones.

It was a cold, empty room. Perfectly suited to a cold, empty novelist such as myself.

Once upon a time, the apartment used to be cluttered with frivolous things such as photographs of a time at Disneyland, bright pink lacy curtains, a fuzzy Nittle Grasper blanket over the couch, and Bad Luck CDs scattered across the coffee table.

Random Post-It notes could be found stuck to various items… a reminder not to smoke too much attached to a pack of cigarettes… a suggestion to try the strawberry cheesecakes from the new bakery across the street… and a cheerful "I love Yuki!" stuck to the front door.

Those days were gone now.

If I closed my eyes and thought long and hard enough, I could faintly remember the smell of strawberry shampoo drifting from the bathroom. I could almost make out the sound of my name on from lips.

Almost.

I sighed heavily and trudged over to my answering machine, dropping my keys on the kitchen counter. A glance at my answering machine indicted two messages waiting for me.

The first was the standard reminder from Mizuki-san about my upcoming deadline. I deleted it halfway through her pleading and immediately put the reminder out of my mind.

The second was Tohma.

"_Yuki… are you home yet?"_ A long pause. _"I guess not. Even if you were, you probably wouldn't answer."_

"_I wanted to apologize. For my behavior. I shouldn't take this out on you. If isn't your fault." _His voice was soft and sad. He really _was_ sorry. He felt _really _bad. And he was back in protective-brother-mode.

"_I don't want you to blame yourself. You aren't responsible for these events. I'll take care of this… but…"_

Another pause.

"_I would… appreciate it… if you kept your distance from… him. I think that would be best… for both of you." _He clears his throat before continuing.

"_I'm sorry that you got involved in this. I will take care of this. I promise."_

The message ended with the sound of the phone hanging up.

Leaning over the counter, I chuckle bitterly to myself.

What a mess. What a fantastic fucking mess.

More than anything, I wanted to pretend that this night had never happened. I could return to my own delusion that Shuichi was fine somewhere far away from here and nothing could ever touch me.

I wanted to pretend that I didn't know that Shuichi was slowly killing himself.

I wanted to pretend that I didn't care.

But for once in my life, I had to face the music… as well as the message on the answering machine.

I knew the truth. And I did care.

I cared more than I have ever cared about anything or anyone else.

I wanted… needed… to do… something. Anything.

To make this better. To forget all of it.

I didn't know which.

And though it killed me to admit it… it was eating me up inside to know that the brother-in-law that once despised my ex-lover now seemed so intent on protecting him.

It didn't make sense. _Why_? Why did Tohma care about Shuichi so much? What made him change his mind?

In his message, he seemed as though he was torn between protecting me and protecting Shuichi. When I saw him, just for a moment, it seemed as though he wanted to protect Shuichi _more_. Even worse, he wanted to protect Shuichi from _me_.

Why the change of heart?

There was something I wasn't getting. Something I was missing.

Something so obvious; just not obvious to me.

So… what _was_ it?

**NG Corps- Tohma's Office**:

Sitting at his desk, Tohma picked up the phone, hesitated, then put it back down.

This indecisiveness was unnatural to him. It was out of character… a strange, unsettling feeling.

It was almost worse than the feeling of horror that occurred upon seeing Eiri at the concert. Almost worse than the knowledge that he was hiding something from his beloved little brother-in-law.

It was strange to be in such a position as he was in now.

Wasn't _he _the responsible one? The one that admonished others for risking their futures for things so insubstantial and fleeting?

The one that ensured that problems like this never occurred? And if they did, took care of them without a single doubt or apology?

The one with the simple, straightforward life? The one that privately handled everyone else's dirty laundry, but never had any of his own?

Well, he used to be.

Not so much anymore.

A soft knock at the door roused Tohma from his guilt-laden thoughts. He raised his eyes to meet the eyes of his wife.

"Mika…" He felt his face form a half-hearted grin. Mika smiled back sadly, and slowly approached him.

"Tohma." She touched his face gently, then ran her fingers through his blond hair. She continued to stroke his head in a gesture that was more motherly than wife-like.

"I called Eiri and left him a message."

"That's good."

"This is all my fault, isn't it?" Tohma sighed and leaned back to peer up at his wife. His eyes begged for her to blame him, to absolve him, to save him.

She shook her head.

"Iie… everyone played their part, even me."

"Gomen… gomen nasai." His voice choked as he whispered the words. Mika again shook her head, then touched his lips with a single finger to silence him.

"Shhh… don't apologize." She leaned forward and rested her chin atop of his head.

"You know… you know I love you, ne?"

"Mmm… hai, I know. That's why I'm still here."

"Arigato…"

**TBC…**

So what is Tohma's deep dark secret? Any guesses?

Well, I am shocked that I was able to get this done as quickly as I did. I will try to update more frequently than I have been (every 5 yrs). Please leave a review and let me know what you think… arigato minna!


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